A PARODY PIECE -- My Fake "Shidduch" Resume


Name: Refael ben Tzion ben David Hillel

Age:  27

Height: 5’6” (standing up), 18” (lying down)

Weight: 145 pounds (without tefillin)

Are you Shomer Negiah?: Not anymore ;)

Do you learn regularly?: Bitchplease

Favorite Sports Team: The New York Mets

Biggest Weakness: Shteigaholic

Greatest Strength: Averages 88 Shuckles per shteig

Hobbies: Eating hummentachen, playing ball, learning, blocking airplane bathrooms while I pray, judging people for not blocking airport bathrooms, using sefira as an excuse not to shave, Israel, arguing, arguing about Israel, wearing slip-on dress shoes, opening my aron hakodesh on shabbos walks, telling my mother to relax, smoking a cigarette on yuntif



Yeshivah University Rabbinical School

-      Received smicha from the people who trusted Bernie Madoff

-      Developed a new record for consecutive weeks without showering


Brandeis University

-      Ran the Orthodox minyan as Gabbai   

-      Served on the Board of the prestigious Brandeis Orthodox Organization

-      Broke shomer on a the President of said organization, but I never dipped my apple in the honey so our kids will be kareit free


Yeshivat Eretz Hatzvi

-      Only missed shacharit once (and I was hung over so it doesn’t count)

-      Correctly quoted the Talmud out of context during an argument with my chavruta over the immortality of women torah groups

-      Completed shnayim mikrah of Harry Potter


Rae Kushner Yeshiva High School

-      Scored a 96% on a Navi test without studying

-      Scored a 74% on an algebra test with studying

-      Captained the floor hockey team to a championship win over the DRS Douchers


Camp Hasc

-      Completed a Schindler-load of chessed hours helping some retarded kid eat a bagel





Generic Finance Position           

-      Raked in enough mamonim to pay for your collection of Uggs and subscription to People Magazine


Conductor of the Mincha Train

-      Lead the prayer pack 7 days a week, 365 days a year

-      Raked in thousands of mitzvah points annually running the only automotive device in the world that is halachikly permitted to operate on Shabbos



-      I’m related to Dovid Hamelech



Age:  Whatever's legal - 20

Acceptable Names: Mushka, Leah, Sarah, Sorah Leah, Rochel, Rochel Leah, Sarah Rochel, Mushka Rochel Leah, Leah Mushka Rochel, Brucha, Sarah Leah Brucha, Rochel Leah Brucha, Sheindel, Sheindel Rochel Mushka Leah, or any other variations of those that I have forgotten

Non-Acceptable Names: Anything in English

Height: 5’0” - 5’1” (without sheitel)

Weight: >100 lbs. (pre-pregnancy)

Language: Who cares? Your job is to give me kids

Hashkafa: Whatever mine is

Heritage: Ashekanzi Mitnagdim ONLY. Chasidim need not apply. If I wanted to date Baruch Spinoza I'd sign up for JSwipe

Cooking Ability: My mom’s or better, preferably better

Hobbies You Should Have Beside Mine: Tanach and halacha (you love studying Gemarah? Go marry one), peru orvoo, shalom bayit, baking, baking humantachen, dipping in the mikvah, baking challah, obtaining a heter on birth control, building a bayit neeman beyisroel, a severe dislike of the Conservative movement, a life-long promise to avoid the chubby-hair-on-your-chin-reading-tehillim-on-the-bus-varacose-veins-pushing a grocery-cart-through-Machaneh-Yehuda phase, raising kids in a bubble so that they are ignorant and fearful of the outside world, rubbing shtrimeils



-      Stern or worse

-      The torah and it's derivatives 

-      The avot and imaot

-       NOTHING from JTS 



-        Whatever it is, you cannot be making more money than me. 



-      Skirts only

-      Black and dark blue only

-      Flats and Uggs only

-      Sheitel in the streets, shuckler in the sheets

That should cover all the essentials. If you've got any further questions, ask yourself: "Would Harav Moshe Feinstein be proud of me right now?" If the answer is "Who is Rav Moshe Feinstein", have fun marrying a butcher.