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Comedic Writing

My Shidduch Resume (2014)

Rafi Abramowitz

PERSONAL INFORMATION

Age:  23

Height: 5’6” (standing up), 18” (lying down)

Weight: 145 lbs. (without tefillin)

Are you Shomer Negiah?: Not anymore ;)

Do you learn regularly?: Bitch, please

Biggest Weakness: Shteigaholic

Greatest Strength: Average 88 Shuckles Per Minute during night seder

Hobbies: Eating, watching sports, learning, praying, judging people for being less religious than me, Uncle Moishe, Israel, arguing, arguing about Israel, dressing like a penguin

 

EDUCATION

Rae Kushner YeshivaHigh School

-     Scored a 96% on a Navi test without studying

-     Completed a Schindler-load of chessed hours

Yeshivat Eretz Hatzvi

-     Never missed shacharit

-     Was able to quote lines from the Talmud out of context during an argument to back up my opinion

-     Completed shtayim mikrah of Harry Potter 

Brandeis University

-     Broke shomer on a yid, but I never dipped my apple in the honey

-     Only missed shacharit once (and I was hung over so it doesn’t count)

-     Served on the Board of the prestigious Brandeis Orthodox Organization

-     Took a class with Professor Jonathan Sarna and got an A –

-     Benched the loudest in the Kosher Cafeteria

Buzzfeed

 

OCCUPATION

Generic Finance Position

-     Rake in enough mamonim to pay for your shoes and subscription to People Magazine

Conductor of the Mincha Train

-     Lead the prayer pack 7 days a week, 365 days a year

-     Rake in thousands of mitzvah points annually

-     Only automotive device in the world that is halachikly permitted to operate on Shabbos

 

MISCELLANEOUS

-     I’m related to Dovid Hamelech