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Comedic Writing

My Shidduch Resume (2014)

Rafi Abramowitz

PERSONAL INFORMATION

Age:  23

Height: 5’6” (standing up), 18” (lying down)

Weight: 145 lbs. (without tefillin)

Are you Shomer Negiah?: Not anymore ;)

Do you learn regularly?: Bitch, please

Biggest Weakness: Shteigaholic

Greatest Strength: Average 88 Shuckles Per Minute during night seder

Hobbies: Eating, watching sports, learning, praying, judging people for being less religious than me, Uncle Moishe, Israel, arguing, arguing about Israel, dressing like a penguin

 

EDUCATION

Rae Kushner YeshivaHigh School

-     Scored a 96% on a Navi test without studying

-     Completed a Schindler-load of chessed hours

Yeshivat Eretz Hatzvi

-     Never missed shacharit

-     Was able to quote lines from the Talmud out of context during an argument to back up my opinion

-     Completed shtayim mikrah of Harry Potter 

Brandeis University

-     Broke shomer on a yid, but I never dipped my apple in the honey

-     Only missed shacharit once (and I was hung over so it doesn’t count)

-     Served on the Board of the prestigious Brandeis Orthodox Organization

-     Took a class with Professor Jonathan Sarna and got an A –

-     Benched the loudest in the Kosher Cafeteria

Buzzfeed

 

OCCUPATION

Generic Finance Position

-     Rake in enough mamonim to pay for your shoes and subscription to People Magazine

Conductor of the Mincha Train

-     Lead the prayer pack 7 days a week, 365 days a year

-     Rake in thousands of mitzvah points annually

-     Only automotive device in the world that is halachikly permitted to operate on Shabbos

 

MISCELLANEOUS

-     I’m related to Dovid Hamelech

Update to My Shidduch Resume (2015)

Rafi Abramowitz

Last year, I posted a shidduch resume in hopes of catching the eyes of the many single benot torah out there looking to settle. I am saddened with tircha to say that it did not work. Perhaps it was too vague? Perhaps too informative? Perhaps not religious enough? Either way, the nafkah minnah is that I’m still single, and my biological clock is drying up. 

At the recommendation of my shidduch advisor, I have decided to list the qualifications I am looking for in a potential beshert now, during wedding season, in hopes of catching one so saddened by the marriages of all of her friends that she’ll marry me before finding someone better. 

With the help and grace of hashem, please read below. If you fit the description, please do the right thing and email me at mosheishashembackwardsinhebrew@yahoo.com. If you are in niddah, please wait until you are pure.

 

PERSONAL INFORMATION

Age:  18 - 20

Acceptable Names: Mushka, Leah, Sarah, Sorah Leah, Rochel, Rochel Leah, Sarah Rochel, Mushka Rochel Leah, Leah Mushka Rochel, Brucha, Sarah Leah Brucha, Rochel Leah Brucha, Sheindel, Sheindel Rochel Mushka Leah, or any other variations of those that I have forgotten

Non-Acceptable Names: Anything in English

Height: 5’0” - 5’1” (without sheitel)

Weight: <100 lbs. (pre-pregnancy)

Language: Who cares? Your job is to give me kids, not to talk

Hashkafa: Whatever mine is

Heritage: Ashekanzi Mitnagdim ONLY. If you’re anything else, you may as well be Baruch Spinoza

Cooking Ability: My mom’s or better

Favorite Jewish Figure: If you say Korach I will, bli neder, throw water in your face

Hobbies: Tanach and halacha (you love Gemarah? Go marry one), peru orvoo, cooking, cooking for me, baking, baking for me, peru urvoo, judging people for being less religious than us, peru orvoo, Uncle Moishe, arguing, arguing about Israel, keeping shalom bayit at all costs, building a bayit neeman beyisroel, PERU ORVOO!!, raising kids in a bubble so that they are ignorant and fearful of the outside world, rubbing shtrimeils

EDUCATION

-      Stern or worse

-      The torah and it's derivatives 

-      The avot and imaot

-      NOTHING from JTS 

OCCUPATION

Whatever it is, you cannot be making more money than me. Since I just quit my generic finance job to learn full time to repent to hakadosh barechu for engaging in business transactions with non-Jews, that leaves you very few options

WARDROBE

-      Skirts only

-      Black and dark blue only

-      Flats only

-      Sheitel in the house

-      Double sheitel out of the house

-      Triple sheitel and a trip to the mikvah if outside the eruv


That should cover all the essentials. If you've got any further questions, ask yourself: "Would Harav Moshe Feinstein be proud of me right now?" If the answer is no, don't bother contacting me.